Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Fun Way Around Writer's Block

I'm currently writing a (stalled) memoir, chronicling my experiences as an awkward, clumsy, socially inept, obsessive-compulsive child all the way up to my experiences as a clumsy, more socially capable but still obesessive-compulsive young woman. I haven't written anything substatial in weeks, mostly for lack of clarity on a topic, but my other projects are starting to suffer from lack of balance. So I've decided to remedy this with a jump-start on writing. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

My Six Most Embarrassing Childhood Memories
(in order of ascending horror)
6. Riding my bike straight into a large oak tree in my parents' front yard whilst trying to impress the neighbors on my first day without training wheels (age 6).
5. Spilling an entire carton of chocolate milk down my shirt after trying to run away from the fourth grade boy who asked if, during my sleepover at my grandmother's house that weekend, he might "come over and sleep in the same bed" with me (age 9).
4. Accidentally flushing my own overall-straps down the toilet while I was still wearing said overalls; being discovered by my teacher as I tried to blot off the straps with toilet paper afterward (age 6).
3. Making my best friend "ask out" my sixth-grade crush on my behalf while I waited in the bathroom; his response was hysterical laughter and a "hell no" (age 11).
2. Having the "1-800-Jenny" Jenny Craig Weight Loss Program theme song sung to me by a chorus of sixth grade boys in the back of the school bus (age 7).
1. Being visited by "Aunt Flo" on the first day of seventh grade, when I was wearing the palest jeans I owned, could not wrestle open my own locker, got lost, missed the bus and through it all had nothing but toilet paper to work with (age 12).

Yes, they're cringe-worthy and horrific. You may feel embarrassed just reading about these exploits. But that's exactly it: I'm exploiting my humiliating past. For the entertainment of myself and whoever else stumbles along and finds it. So please, don't worry about the psychological impact of all this--I'm all the wiser (and hopefully, will be all the richer) for it.

1 comment:

  1. i tried to comment on this, but it didn't show up (and to save face, i'm not going to retype the same comment). anyway...reading this reminded me to get sterilized, so thanks. as evidenced by number two, kids suck. but so do adults, so i guess you can't really win.